10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship—And How to Get Out of One

Abuse of any kind is complicated, and it can be difficult to identify. This is especially true for emotional abuse, which can involve sophisticated—and toxic—mind games that are hard to initially detect. Sometimes, it's even difficult to tell whether you're having normal relationship problems or being manipulated. "If someone is physically violent, that is overt and obvious," shares Dr. Sherry Benton, founder and chief science officer of TAO Connect. "Emotionally abusive relationships are more subtle."

Dr. Benton further notes that these types of partnerships usually begin exceptionally well before problems worsen over time. "Each time, you're getting more adapted to the negative patterns, so it gets more difficult to see—as well as to leave." Many victims of emotionally abusive relationships also don't notice the harmful effects of their union until it's too late. "There's this story that [says] if you toss a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will scramble to get out," Dr. Benton explains. "But if you put the frog in while the water is still cold—and slowly raise the temperature—the frog will [stay] until it is boiled to death. The same kind of thing can happen in relationships." Simply put, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as abuse that involves physical violence.

Thankfully, there are ways to recognize an emotionally abusive relationship upfront. To help victims (and their loved ones) understand the signs, we spoke with Dr. Benton, Kelly McNelis, founder of Women for One, and Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC, a licensed mental health counselor, about what you need to know. Read on to learn about the warning signs of emotional abuse and how to get out of this type of relationship.

10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Emotional abuse usually takes place as a means for one person to control another. If you're worried that you may be experiencing this with your partner, the experts recommend looking for these ten signs that are defined by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute.

Control

Control may look like your partner being overly invested in your social life, or policing your day-to-day routines without acknowledging your desires. You also may not have the freedom to make your own choices (either overtly or subtly), and your partner might make small comments that undermine your independence.

Yelling

It's normal for partners to raise their voices occasionally, but it is not healthy when disagreements regularly escalate into shouting. "Yelling can be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship if yelling is constant," shares Okerayi. "It's really difficult to work through a disagreement if either one person or both people are yelling. It doesn't create a safe place for both parties to feel heard and seen. Also, depending on the person, yelling can instill fear and that can end up silencing them." Not only does yelling make a productive conversation nearly impossible, but it can also create an imbalance of power—only the loudest person is heard.

Contempt

When one partner feels contempt for the other, it's not easy for either person to express their feelings. Dr. Benton notes that in healthy relationships, there's an expectation that your partner will listen and be respectful (even if they can't give you what you need). If they regularly respond to your needs with mean-spirited sarcasm, arrogance, disgust, or apathy, then your partner may be emotionally abusive.

Excessive Defensiveness

When you constantly feel like you have to defend yourself, there's less room for positive communication. It's important that both parties are able to talk openly—and honestly—with each other to resolve issues. Excessive defensiveness, Dr. Benton says, can feel like you're in a battle where your shield is always up, and could be a mechanism you've developed to combat emotional abuse.

Threats

If your partner is threatening you in any way, that is a surefire sign of emotional abuse. Threats can include coercive "if, then" statements, blackmail, warnings of physical harm or suicide, or other intimidating remarks—all of which share the same intent: To back victims into a corner (and prevent them from leaving).

Stonewalling

Dr. Benton notes that stonewalling takes place when one partner refuses to talk or communicate. If your partner shuts down uncomfortable conversations, it can feel like abandonment, a form of emotional abuse. Their refusal to discuss issues may come across as rejection or a lack of concern for your feelings.

Blame

Emotional abuse victims are often made to believe that they cause—and therefore deserve—their own abuse and unhappiness, making the cycle much harder to break. This can be exacerbated by the shame that many victims feel for letting their abuse continue.

Gaslighting

A form of psychological manipulation, gaslighting causes victims to doubt their memories, judgment, and sanity. If you find that your concerns (and even memories) are frequently dismissed as "false," "stupid," or "crazy," you may be experiencing this form of emotional abuse.

"Gaslighting is a really damaging and manipulative tactic that one uses in order to shift the power dynamic in any relationship," adds Okerayi. "It is emotionally abusive due to the fact that it invalidates a person's experience and instills doubt in their truth. The impacts of this can be low self-esteem, anxiety, and insecurity."

Isolation

"Isolation is a big tactic used by abusers in order to make you feel like they are the only one who loves and cares for you," shares Okerayi. "By completely relying on them, they end up having a lot of emotional power over you so that even if people reach out to support you, it will be difficult to accept their love and support." This alienation can cause victims to feel like they're on an island, removed from loved ones and past versions of themselves.

Volatility

If a relationship is constantly interrupted by mood swings, it can signal abuse. Many people experience natural ups and downs, but it's a problem when it harms one's partner. Volatile abusers often shower their victims with gifts and affection following an outburst, only to become angry again shortly after.

How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

According to Dr. Benton, one important distinction to make is that in healthy relationships, disagreements are seen as an opportunity for growth—and both people make an effort to find common ground. "It's not that people in healthy relationships don't have disagreements; they do. They have just as many as people in bad relationships," she says. "The difference is what they do with those conflicts."

While it can be difficult to discern if your partner is abusive, she notes that mind games are common in emotionally abusive relationships. One partner may be surprised by the other's sudden pleasant mood, or confused by bouts of unexpected love. "You know you can't trust it because they're going to go back to being demeaning and belittling. You're constantly on this emotional roller coaster with them," Dr. Benton says.

That said, if you're ready to leave your emotionally abusive partner, but unsure when and how to do so, try comparing your current relationship with what you want in the future. Dr. Benton suggests asking yourself the same questions you'd ask a friend: "Look around and find a relationship that you can imagine yourself wanting," she says, noting that picturing how a relationship should be can help you realize you're not getting what you want. Rather than comparing idealistic movie relationships, Dr. Benton also recommends thinking of "real people, who really struggle with each other, and who really work on things together."

What's more, part of deciding to leave is understanding what you need. Does your current partner make you feel better about yourself? "[Your relationship] should make you feel secure, supported, and connected, and if that's not what you're getting, you're probably getting more pain than love and growth," Dr. Benton explains. Try to also seek help from friends, family, or a professional to help you take the necessary next steps toward ending your union. Lastly, be sure to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for expert advice on how to navigate your specific situation.

How to Rebuild Self-Love After Emotional Abuse

While it's essential to know what you want, you should also remember who you are when leaving an abusive partner. McNelis stresses the importance of showing yourself compassion—and remembering that no one willingly chooses abuse. "The great thing is that these difficult experiences help us build character, strength, and resilience," McNelis says. "By diving into our experience and choosing to learn from trauma, we can come out on the other side more powerful, and in a position to stand up for others in similar situations."

It's never easy to come to terms with being abused, but this isn't a time for placing blame on yourself. McNelis reminds us that moving on is something to be proud of. "Choose to claim your self-worth and recognize your courage—both in the moment of your experience and in the aftermath," she says. "Rather than dwelling on what you could've done better, [think about how] every moment in life gives you the opportunity to start over." Most importantly, she emphasizes that no matter how painful your trauma is, you can get through it.

How to Help Someone in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Seeing someone you love experience abuse can be painful, even when you're not the one being hurt. If you suspect a friend or loved one is in an emotionally abusive relationship, Dr. Benton suggests being supportive without explicitly judging them for staying. "Educate yourself about abuse: What it is, what it entails, and how people who are under its thumb think, feel, and behave," McNelis adds. "This will help you put yourself in the shoes of the person you love, and understand what they're going through. All too often, people on the outside cast judgments upon the person without any idea of what they're going through, and what their legitimate reasons might be for [staying]."

Finally, it's important to remember that their decision to leave isn't up to you. McNelis says the best thing you can do is listen and hold space for your loved one. "By allowing for the experience and witnessing their truth—while also championing their courage, and capacity to do what's right for them—you'll help them discover their own lessons, wisdom, and voice. You can also gently nudge them toward resources, [but] this can't be something you force upon them; it always needs to come from their choice alone."